My high school girlfriend introduced me to many things: how to make a good quesadilla, Regina Spektor, everlasting love and being cheated on. But also, and perhaps most importantly to this column, she introduced me to the online social revolution. As I began courting her, I would religiously check her LiveJournal, eager to read the deeply personal things she would share with anonymous strangers, and to see if any of them involved me. A friendly leg-up on figuring out females? It was like a digital version of Hitch!

In the years since this introduction, the online social revolution has continued to revolt, creating new and even easier ways of stalking people. Which brings me to Twitter. To my less hip readers, Twitter.com is a Web site where you can post brief comments about what you are currently doing (to these same readers: I've bought my plane tickets home for Thanksgiving, I'll be arriving at LAX). Twitter even allows you to "tweet" from your cell phone, so people can read what you're doing when you're out and about. But it's more than just a voluntary version of the agreement I had to make with my mom before going to parties in middle school. Twitter is a way to achieve celebrity, a way to have millions of fans follow one's every move. Eager to feel like President Obama or the Balloon Boy, and reluctant to write more columns about loneliness, I created a Twitter account several weeks ago. Stardom was but several clicks, an account name and a six-character-minimum password away.

Ever have a sh*tty job that you wanted to complain about in a weekly submission-based column named after Blink-182 lyrics? Send your submissions to worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!

Over the summer I worked at a daycare and we took a kindergarten class outside. This one little boy (who is a little crazy in the head) came up to me and goes "I gotta go potty!" Even though we asked if anyone needed to go before we went outside, I promptly took him to a bathroom. Upon looking in I saw he had already crapped his pants and was picking it up (bare-handed) to throw in the toilet.
-Anonymous

I worked at KFC while in high school. One day around the holidays, an angry group of people stormed into the store and proceeded to drag an employee out into the lobby and beat him with the Christmas tree. Oh yeah, that employee was a convicted rapist and the mob was the victim's family.
-Alex

When I was about 15, I worked at a family restaurant. One day, a woman came in with her newborn baby. She had a high chair and her detachable car seat, but she still insisted that I hold her baby while she went to the bathroom. The baby decided she didn't like lunch and threw it up all over my work shirt. I wasn't given a new shirt and couldn't go home to change. I had to work the next 6 hours smelling like baby vomit.
-Chris, CSU

	PREPORIOUS DOUCHEBAGIUM "Preppy Douchebag" Pickup line: "You would look good sunbathing at my Nantucket summer cottage." Found: Ivy League campuses, smoking clubs, Rugby stores Wears: Polo shirts, boating shoes, suits at inappropriate times Thrives on: "Intellectual" discussions, purebred dogs, wine coolers Weakness: Actually intellectual discussions.
	FRATERNITORUS DOUCHEBAGIUM "Frat Bro Douchebag" Pickup line: "I made this drink for you." Found: Beer pong championships, The Game, not lectures Wears: College apparel, Birkenstocks with socks, puca shell necklaces Thrives on: Natty Ice, cold pizza, the blood of sorority freshmen Weakness: Correct spelling and grammar.

Wear as much team apparel as possible. How is anyone supposed to know what team you like if you do not have their logo emblazoned on your chest at all times? When it comes to jerseys, choose someone who will be on the team for a very long time, you don't want some weird midseason five-team trade leaving you with the jersey of a guy who was just traded to your team's archrival. Don't know who your team's archrival is? Don't worry! Wearing all of your official team apparel will buy you some time to learn your team's history.
Bonus Tip: Look for team apparel at your local thrift store. Wearing an old shirt or jersey will make it look like you've been a fan for a while.

Wear hats. Hats are so important to jumping on the bandwagon that they deserve their own category. There are many different types and styles of hats, you've got the fitted hat, stretch fit hat, snap back hat, game hat, sideline hat, spring training hat, and throwback hat, just to name a few. You're going to want to buy them all. If you want to be on the bandwagon, hats are no longer just for bad hair days.
Bonus Tip: Wear your hat backwards so all of the losers left in the dust will be aware of the team you are now currently supporting.

Cutsman: Sir, me and the other robots have been talking.

Dr. Wily: You aren't developing feelings are you? I don't have time for any Pinocchio sh*t.

Cutsman: No, no! It's just...we think you're going about this "destroy Mega Man" thing the wrong way.

Dr. Wily: How so?

Cutsman: Well, seeing as Mega Man can absord powers, maybe you should make us all the same type so he can't exploit our weaknesses.

Dr. Wily: Each of you is a unique manifestation of my evil genius.

Cutsman: You don't see anything wrong with making a "Cutsman" and a guy with rock powers?

Dr. Wily: Nope.

Cutsman: Have you ever played "Rock, Paper, Scissors?" It's like that, except with Mega Man using rock powers to kill me.

Uncle Owen: So...you think this is the best idea?

Obi-Wan: Of course, you're Luke's only living relative. Where else is he supposed to go?

Uncle Owen: I was thinking anywhere else. This is absolutely the first place that anyone would look for him.

Obi-Wan: Who's gonna be looking for him?

Uncle Owen: Hmmm...maybe ANAKIN?! My psycho half-brother who is now Emporer Palpatine's apprentice. Remember him?

Obi-Wan: Uncle Owen, I chopped off his legs and watched him get all burned up. It's not like anyone has the technology to heal him.

Uncle Owen: What?! They absolutely do. We can travel at light speed through outer space, we sure as hell can heal some burn victim who has magic powers. I've got a bad feeling about this...

Obi-Wan: I wouldn't worry. It's not like he'd be able to find you.

Uncle Owen: Oh yeah, I'm sure the Emporer's right hand man would never think to check his home planet, his only living relative, or the only other person in the galaxy named "Skywalker." Can't we call him something else? How about Luke Smith?

It may only be the beginning of November, but before you know it there will be snow on the ground and you'll be staring head-on into the barren wasteland of winter.  Take action now, before it's too late!

• Develop a solid layer of fat to protect yourself from the cold: odds are you've already gotten a head-start on this one thanks to your campus dining center and drunken late-night pizza binges.  While your unsightly rolls of fat may lead you to believe that you are less than attractive to members of the opposite sex, which you definitely are, you can hide your disgusting and well-insulated body in layers of sweat pants and hoodies.
• Find a ride home for Thanksgiving/Christmas: now is the time to reconnect with your annoying high school friend with a car who goes to your school.  Sure, the kid was annoying as hell and always wanted to tag along with you during Welcome Week, but his beat up Saturn is better than sitting next to a possible prison-escapee on a Greyhound.
• Re-establish contact with your high school ex-girlfriend: now is the time for several well-placed facebook messages about wanting to catch up (i.e. hook-up) over break.  The endless parade of drunk co-eds comes to a grinding halt the second you step foot into your childhood room, so make sure that you mend the fences that resulted from breaking up with her a week before you both left for school.

Tired of your old Photoshop filters? Adobe just released five new ones to make your life even better (or at least seem that way).

Roll over each image to see the new filters in action.

Last chance to vote for this year's Best Halloween Costume!  Luckily Heidi Klum didn't enter or you'd all be losers. (Hollywood Tuna)

Let's go!

Hollywood did Halloween right this year, and here is a collection of some of the best.

• Jennifer Love Hewitt went for the simple but respectable Playboy Bunny (Egotastic)
• Kim Kardashian followed her whatever-they-are roots and channeled Princess Jasmine (Egotastic)
• AnnaLynne McCord went as some variety of Batgirl/man/boy/thing (Hollywood Tuna)
• James Gandalfini put on a Homer Simpson mask for about five seconds but it counts (WWTDD)
• Ice T's wife Coco put all other slutty costumes to shame with her Mermaid (IDLYITW)
• And Jessica Alba went as Dora the Explorer.  I'm not gonna say she copied off of me two years ago or anything, but HELLO. (WWTDD)

Halloween was also a time for famous females to emasculate their less famous partners.  Mariah Carey made Nick Cannon dress up as an angel, and if that wasn't bad enough, Paris Hilton's boyfriend had to be the tooth fairy.  Because that's something all men aspire to be. (Derekhail, Celebslam)

In college no one cares what you wear to class, but they do care what you wear on Halloween. There are literally million of things you could dress up as; this is why your choice in costume says a lot about you. This is what you were saying this Halloween with your costume choice.

Disclaimer: Tweets are chronologically backwards for the sake of readability

Our triumphant Halloween pictures finale is upon us. We saved the best for last. Rate the Sexiest Something costume below then head south to Most Offensive. A special thanks to everyone who submitted pictures to the contest and we hope to see you all again next year. Fingers crossed for Sexy Avatar y'all.

One time the girlfriend and I were outside in my backyard when she happened to find a bar of soap. So she picks it up tosses in her hands, pretending to take a shower and having a good laugh. So the next day, I'm studying for a midterm and mom comes up to me and tells me not leave my bar of soap on the bottom of the shower because the dog eats and poops it out. I never did explain to my girlfriend how the bar of soap got out there.
-James B, Ontario

My girlfriend hated Transformers 2 because there was "too much" robot fighting.
-Anonymous

My GF of six years dumped me the week of finals, seven days before I graduated college. She said she, "wanted time to be single and trust her own decision making." Six months later, she was engaged, pregnant and enlisted in the army.
-Rich

This August while sleeping on an air mattress on vacation, my girlfriend pissed herself, and because I'm heavier than her, it all came down and pooled around me. I woke up shivering, soaked in my girlfriend's piss.
-Drew, Wayne State